Internet Dating, Flirting Online, and Emails. When Should To Take The Next Step and Meet For a 'First Date'?
There was a time not long ago that people didn't exchange any emails before the first date. People either met in public at dances, the library, the grocery store, at school, ... or they used personal ads in the newspaper. Typically when answering a personal ad, it would be one phone conversation. If things went well on that very first conversation, people often made arrangements to meet right away, or they exchanged phone numbers and met after the second conversation.
A few years ago when online dating became popular, people started exchanging many emails before meeting someone for the first time. There are several reasons for this. Here are some.
Why Some Internet Users, Prefer To Exchange Dozens Of Emails First.
Many internet daters are not ready for a real relationship so flirting online is more comfortable and less threatening. People can hide behind a computer screen rather than facing a real person. Some might still be married or in a relationship. Others might physically be available but emotionally still attached to someone else.
It takes some people time to 'heal' themselves before they're ready to have another real relationship, so internet dating is used by some to 'get their feet wet' in the dating world without actually dating. These people usually have no intentions of meeting anyone in person. They're just happy with the attention, flattery, flirting, and compliments they might be getting by email.
For some women, safety is a concern. They want to get to 'know' someone first before meeting them.
Other people are just shy about meeting someone in person. It's much easier to do email than it is to carry on a conversation on the phone, or on a date.
Is Email A Good Way To Know Someone Before Meeting Them? Does It Save You Time? Or Does Email Get In The Way Of Romance?
Still other people wrongly assume that they're saving time by emailing someone for a few weeks before meeting them. The truth is that you can meet far more real people in the same amount of time, if you arrange several 15 minute meetings at Starbucks. Just think how much time is wasted typing emails to someone you never met before. If you type 20 emails to 10 different people and if it takes 5 minutes on the average to type an email, you just wasted 16.66 hours typing to complete strangers! Most of these people you will never meet and you will probably not 'click' with most people once you finally meet them in person. Experienced internet daters will tell you that email can be a big time waster. Meet right away. Keep in touch by email later. Not the other way around.
Also, even if someone provides a picture, has an exciting profile, and emails you interesting emails, what do you really know about them? Are they being honest? Do they look like the picture they sent you? How old are they? Are they 70 years old and pretending to be 40? Or are they 12 years old and pretending to be 30? You'll never know for sure until you meet them in person.
Internet Dating And Safety. What You Can Do To Protect Yourself.
Let's address safety concerns first. Email and exchanging pictures by email is far safer than giving out your phone number. If you have an email address with yahoo, hotmail, or some other generic provider, there is no easy way for people to find out where you live or work. The next best thing is an unlisted phone number.
But isn't it risky meeting someone for the first time in a public place? NO! It's no more dangerous than striking up a conversation with any stranger we might see when we leave our home. We meet people in public places all the time. Every time we go outside we're meeting strangers. We don't know anything about them.
How To Use Email For Online Dating.
Email should be used as a way to connect with people we wouldn't normally meet. Call it an introduction. You can meet a lot of nice people this way. Most of these people you will probably not be interested in when you finally meet them, so why waste a lot of time with email. It's far better to meet them ASAP.
Don't Place Much Importance On Dating Profiles (Unless It's Yours)!
Most online singles spend too much time analyzing profiles so you want to create a nice one for yourself. A profile is better than nothing, but it's best not to judge other people because they're not good writers. Some very nice people write awful profiles and visa versa. If a profile gives you the creeps or they're obviously not for you, then you can pass them by, put don't be too picky. Your goal is to meet as many people as possible.
If you're serious about finding a real person to date and have a relationship with, you need to meet them quickly. One or two emails is good enough especially if you have their profile. If someone wants to wait much longer than that, there's something wrong and they're probably not worth your time.
Online Dating Is A Numbers Game. Here's What Happens When You Wait Too Long And Exchange Too Many Emails Before Meeting Someone For The First Time.
You can call online dating a 'sifting' process or a numbers game. You will probably need to meet dozens, if not hundreds of people before you find someone that works out for you. That's why it's so important to meet people right away. Then after you meet someone, you can exchange more emails and talk on the phone.
Most people who are new to online dating, do exactly the opposite and then give up because they think internet dating doesn't work for them. It doesn't work because they're not doing it the right way. They're creating their own disappointment by procrastinating and waiting too long before meeting people for the first time.
Here's why some people do not find anyone on the internet. They spend a lot of time carefully examining profiles and emails under a microscope. Then they assume that it's better to exchange a lot of emails before meeting someone for the first time. They're hoping to find Mr or Mrs Right based on a profile or email. Although it's happened, the odds are better that you'll be struck by lightning or win a million dollars in the lottery.
It's disappointing because often times someone's profile and emails give you a warm, fuzzy feeling and you 'know' this person is absolutely perfect for you. You might even talk with them on the phone, and the conversations may even bring you closer together. Because you've never met this person before, your mind automatically fills in all the missing blanks about what this must person be like. Over the course of days, weeks or even months, you're feeling more and more excitement and anticipation. Then finally the big day comes when you meet for the first time. ... Suddenly in a blink of an eye all your hopes and dreams are instantly shattered as you begin thinking of a quick exit plan. This person is nothing like you imagined! This senario is not unique. It happens over and over again.
What went wrong? You put too much trust in a nice profile, perhaps a picture, and dozens of emails. You wrote off hundreds of other people because their profile wasn't as nice. You wasted too much time before meeting someone for the first time! You need to meet right away. It's a numbers game. The more people you meet, the more likely you'll find the person you're looking for.
The wisest thing to do is to spend as little time as possible with each person, until you find someone you're comfortable with. Go on a short fifteen minute date with as many people as you can, - even if they don't know how to write a good profile or they're not romantic in their emails. Some very nice people are terrible at writing emails and profiles!
Here's What you Can Do To Find Your Match As Quickly As Possible.
Because it's so important to meet people right away, avoid long distance relationships. Look for singles close to home. It's much easier to build a relationship with someone who lives close by. It would be better to take an interest in local singles with so-so dating profiles, than really cool profiles of people who live far away. Remember you're goal is fall in love with a real person, not a profile. A profile is two dimensional, not 'real', subjective, and regrettably often untrue!
How Long Should Your First Date Be And Where Should You Meet?
With online dating, it's best to arrange a very short first meeting at a public place. Fifteen minutes or a half hour is plenty of time. If you commit to more time than this, you might end up wasting time with people you're totally not interested in. If you decide you like someone, you can 'change your plans' on the fly and spend more time with them.
If you don't feel comfortable going alone, ask if it would be ok to bring a friend. You can meet at the mall, at a coffee shop, a library, a bookstore, or any busy public location. Make it clear before your meeting that you only have a few minutes because you have another appointment afterwards. This way, if you don't like your date it's super easy to leave quickly.
Internet Dating. Make Good Use Of Your Time. Here's What To Talk About.
It's not necessary to talk about serious stuff on the first date so bringing a friend should be ok with anyone. If you like the person, you can make arrangements for a second date. If you're not sure, you can think about it and email them back later.
When you meet someone for the first time, take an interest by being observant. Offer sincere compliments about their jewelry, clothing, appearance, voice, or whatever you observe as being attractive to you. You can also ask open-ended questions like, - tell me about yourself. What do you like to do for fun? ... Most people love to talk about themselves, so let them talk. They'll be flattered that you took such a genuine interest in them. And the more they talk, the more you'll know about them.
If you're observant, you'll learn a lot about people by what they don't say, by watching their body language, by listening to their tone of voice, by paying attention to how they say things. ... More importantly, if you relax, you can observe how you 'feel' about this person. What are your inner perceptions? You might not have any 'gut' feelings, but if you do, they are usually very accurate, - especially if your feelings about them are negatve!
Final Words On Online Dating Safety.
As a safety precaution, don't disclose anything personal on the first date such as where you live, your phone number, where you work, etc. An exception would be, if you discover you have mutual friends or your date discloses so much personal information about themselves that they're obviously sincere and 'safe'. If this is the case you may want to exchange phone numbers.
Also make sure you're not being followed by your date or anyone else when you leave. Keep an eye in the rear view mirror.
Happy online dating, and may all your dates be good ones!
Written by
William J. Borden
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